Do we understand how to give and receive love?

Are you understanding me?  source: www.themoveny.com

Welcome to the human race where nothing is wrong with disagreements. The real issue is how we  fight when we disagree is it clean and respectful? This is huge topic but for a whole different post.  We all have our own persona, feelings and desires and most times we clash with those of our spouse or partner. It is important  that we learn to listen to each other in order to understand the other person's thoughts, feelings and desires. Once we understand each other then both partners/spouse can look for a solution. 

Source: www.gotman.com

In love we must compromise and exercise patience. Compromise is not a negative word. Dictionary.com defines compromise to be "an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions". Isn't that healthy decision making?

Gary Chapman built a theory around the love languages of love. In his book "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" he outlines five ways to express and experience love (Love Languages). These are gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch. 

Source: Pinterest 

There has been a lack of research to test the validity of Chapman's model but for most of us who have ever experienced unrequited love can related to this theory.  

Please click on the video below for a deeper explanation on the five love language. 

When we meet someone we deserve...

It will rain love!!!!  Source: www.hoffspot.com 

When You Meet Someone You Deserve This Is What It’ll Look Like

• By Kirsten Corley (www.thoughtcatolog.com)

When we meet someone we deserve, that person will be confident that they want you and only you. They will be treating you well not just some of the time but all the time.

When that person arrives, you will watch as you heal from the past and there will be no more room for regret. When you meet someone you deserve, you will learn to trust again, you will learn what love supposed to look and feel like. It will be in simple gesture of someone just wanting to make you happy because that brings them happiness.

It'll be in the gestures of paying for things, holding open doors, walking you to your car. Not because you aren't capable of doing things yourself but out of respect for you.

When you meet someone you deserve, they'll want you to meet their family, their friends will already know you and want to know more.

His friends are my friends too. Source: Pinterest. 

When you meet someone you deserve, they aren't going to try and change you but accept you for all you are, flaws and all. 

When you meet someone you deserve, they won't walk away once you fight but they'll fight through it. They'll know to apologize when they're wrong. They'll accept your apology when they were right. But they won't just leave.

They will be the one who learns about your insecurities and works around them to build your confidence. The one who tries to understand you to the core of who you are and accepts it. 

When you meet someone you deserve, they won't have time for games they'll be so honest with you, ALWAYS. They'll respect you and keep their word and you'll never have to question it.

When you meet someone you deserve, they are going to make you a better version of who you are and you'll see yourself change for better. Meeting the right person has a way of bringing out the best of you.

A better version of yourself. Source: Pinterest 

When you meet someone you deserve, it's there you see a future as someone heals you from the past. When you meet someone you deserve, I love you won't be words you fear saying when you know they'll come back to you. When you meet someone you deserve, they are going to change every standard you previously had. 

When you meet someone you deserve it'll be then you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. 

Click on the video and feel free to leave a comment. 

Hope he loves you like this......

Affection helps to sustain the connection.... Source: Pinterest

Just to say good morning

Just to hear your voice

as it is the only wake up call

he needs.

I hope he cooks you breakfast

Knowing how you like your eggs

how you take your coffee

how little or how much you wish to speak.

I hope he cooks you dinner, too

For no reason at all.

I hope he holds your hand proudly

as you walk through a room

of people you don’t know.

I hope he builds you up

until you are standing on a pedestal

of your own creation.

I hope he encourages you to make art

take risks

travel the world

be alone—

always knowing that you’ll be back

home in his warm embrace

as long as his heart is open.

I hope he wears his heart on his sleeve

and is not shy

to adorn yours

as well.

I hope he is the kind of person

who, when presented with the ocean,

will not shy away

from diving in

to ride the waves.

I hope he is all of himself

unafraid to own

his stories

no matter how dark they may seem.

I hope he can see that all of you

is in the stars

poking through

the dark sky

of your past.

I hope he is not scared

by your ability to choose growth

your ability to not be held hostage

by the person you were yesterday

last week

last year.

I hope his attention span

is as long as every word

that exits your mouth

your heart.

I hope that he hears your truth

and meets it with gratitude

for your vulnerability.

I hope he loves you

in a way you didn’t know love existed.

For you have only seen love

in other places

with shaky ground that fell

beneath your hopeful feet.

This is who I hope

for you—

Because you are worthy

of being loved

by a heart so bright

the sun blushes

in admiration.

~

Author: Annabelle Blythe

Source: Elephant Journal via IdeaSpot

Trusting in love again.......

Trust  love one more time Source: Pinterest

In life, trust is a natural subconscious expectation of all relationships from inception. We meet strangers, we start business relationships, and partnerships, all on based on faith and trust that the person on the other side will maintain the commitment of fulfilling the objective of their side of the relationship/partnership or contract.

With dating and love we get intoxicated with infatuation and before you know it we are deep in a commitment without a clear vision of expectations, needs, desires or even deal breakers. Dating in the new age is not what our grandparents taught us and definitely not what our fairy tales made us to believe.

Infatuation or love? Source: www.healthguidance.com 

Unfaithfulness, infidelity, cheating................... What exactly do these mean?

Hooking up, a love story, sex, paid or not, a secret online chat room, watching porn, staying secretly active on dating apps, intimate bonds with the opposite sex?????

Esther Perel has traveled the globe for at least ten years, working extensively with people who have been affected by infidelity.

She wrote:

There is no universally agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity. However the one I use includes three elements:

1. A secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair
2. An emotional connection to one degree or another
3. A sexual alchemy, alchemy being the key word because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it’s our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.

Once trust is broken do you believe it can be regained?

Take a look at Esther's talk below and write a comment below. 

Love and betrayal ......

Betrayal source: http://innerconfidence.com/smart-guys-cheat-less/

Why do we cheat?

What is cheating?

What is cheating, secretive relationships, emotional bonds, secret thoughts, lusting, cheating with time  and money?

Why do happy people cheat ?

Do we encounter more affairs because of  the digital age?

Why do men cheat, out of boredom and fear of intimacy ?

Why do women cheat, hunger for intimacy ?

Monogamy now means one person at a time  ?

Is staying the new shame and not divorce?

Is an affair the end of a relationship ?

I came across this insightful video from Esther Perel  www.estherperel.com that creates a provoking thought on Infidelity. Click to view and let me know your thoughts in comments below.

A love note to my daughter......

A mothers love  ! 

This weekend I came across this lovely note from a Facebook page that I follow,  Dale Partridge. It is a very inspirational message to all christian moms and dad with daughters.  Thank you Dale for this note! 

What I'll teach my daughter at 16. 

 This culture's men have an unholy obsession with sexually mischievous and risqué women. Our media even fuels these traits as "exotic" or "seductive".But sweetie, let me tell you what this is really about. This is about men who desire women who are willing to lower their moral standards. It's about men who want to justify their own brokenness. Because if you're willing to compromise your morals you can't convict him for doing the same. Sweetie, you don't ever need to reduce yourself to be beautiful. You don't need to water down your boundaries to be appealing. But most of all, you don't need to be sinful to be valuable. A man who wants you to do questionable things doesn't love you. A man who persuades you to behave in a manner that makes you uncomfortable doesn't care for you.Men often break beautiful young women by imposing their own brokenness upon them. But I'm here to tell you that God loves you exactly the way you are. And the husband He has for you won't feed his immorality at the cost of your security. Instead, he will strive to keep your conscience clean, your heart pure, and your spirit safe.
 

(Source Dale Partridge Facebook Page 23rd July,2017)

Philia Loving......

F.R.I.E.N.D.S 

Childhood friends, kindergarten friends, high school friends are all the labels we give to describe the length our friendships, and inadvertently the places we met. In today's culture we become friends on social media, and even date via online dating sites, and yes these friendships are also bound by the true definition of a friend. 

One of my favourite shows was Friends, I watched every single episode living through the entire story line. The characters were a mixed group of males and females with a variety of personalities, they all supported each other, shared their apartments, and even fell in love with each other at some point. They had fights and disagreements but it all came back to the key pillars of friendship: trust, love, respect, support, and care.

Philia is the love that speaks to friendship. The ancient Greeks valued philia far above eros because it was considered the love between two equals. Plato however felt that physical attraction was not a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean "without physical attraction".  Philia is the love type that is felt among friends who have endured a lot together (the good time and the bad). 

Friendship  A Single Soul Living In Two Bodies

What is a friend? To me a friend is someone you share a mutual bond of affection, its a person whom you feel fond of and enjoy being with. A friend is someone who supports you, who will stand in for you and be your biggest cheerleader on the days you feel like the biggest loser. This is what philia love is about.

It is according to Aristole a dispassionate virtuous love that is free from the intensity of sexual attraction. It often involves the feeling of loyalty among friends, camaraderie among team mates, and sense of sacrifice for your pack.

This platonic friendship is a common trend that is increasing in  our modern world. Most platonic friendships comfort us in our gloomy days single days and some naturally fill gaps and needs that are lacking from our current partners, husbands and even family.  As a wife and confidant to my friends both male and female, I have seen how platonic friendship break the intimacy bonds between a husband and a wife.

All of You, Everyday and Forever 

In marriage we need philia, we also must acknowledge that not all marriages live up to the tag line, "I married my best friend". But what do we do when, we are at the harbor (marriage) and the friend and the ship are not docking at same time? Marriage without friendship cannot work in today's culture. Just as we nourish and nurture our other friendships, the same amount or even more energy should be dedicated towards a friendship with our spouse. We need to continue to pursue our partners and want all of them, everyday and forever. Click on link below for a deeper understanding on the importance of friendship in marriage.

                            The Role of Friendship in Marriage

Ludus Loving .......

Flirtatious Seduction 

Flirting is not a skill its more like personality trait, I believe (**clears throat**) some people misinterpret friendliness for flirtatiousness and I blame the crude world. Today, when someone is naturally kind and single they can find themselves in a whole lot of innocent trouble. Kind and friendly women are labelled as "big flirts" and from the male perspective the natural traits of being a gentleman are rare and most women do not expect a guy to open a door or even allow her to walk first. Automatically, because our culture has radically changed, when a guy attempts to be a gentleman , a woman's first instinct is to either fix her hair (if he's cute) with expectation for more or come up with an easy rejection line.

Impressive Gentlemen Always Wins 

Most men flirt in a teasing way, it starts in adolescent and some accelerated into smooth talkers as they become men, it is said that their jokes are to steal glimpses of our smiles. Ludus is that feeling in which one goes through via their early stages of falling in love with someone. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, you know the affection between young lovers, the playfulness of a boy and a girl who both have hidden crushes. The love that greets fluttering hearts filled with flirting, teasing and epic euphoria.  Ludus is also know as uncommitted love.

Uncommitted Love 

Ludus involves activities such as teasing, dancing and overt flirting, seducing and conjugating. The focus is on fun and sometimes it is set on a quest with no strings attached. Its may involve ludic activities like dancing with strangers which is common for our local and Caribbean culture especially for Carnival, it is almost a playful substitute for sex.

On the upside, playfulness in love is an essential ingredient that is often lost in long term relationships, yet it can be one the secrets to keeping the childlike innocence of our love alive, interesting and exciting. Just what every long term relationship or marriage may need! 

Ludus --> Play --> Flirt --> Ignite Flames 

Philautia Loving.....

Delicious Soul Food Self-Love

You and only you, the blueprint of each and every one of us has never been duplicated, and possibly in our human state, would never be repeated. I met myself and I discovered all that I am and I am not in my twenties, by age thirty I was amazed by who I am. Through faith and love the mysteries were semi clear, I began to love my pieces, my cracks and acknowledge my shadows. Self love and self compassion were the ultimate keys to my discovery.

Philautia is self love in its healthiest form, it gifts us with a deep understanding that once you have the strength to love yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin, will you be able to provide love to others. As Aristotle said, "All friendly feelings for others are an extension of man's feelings for himself". Can you imagine, our level of friendliness expressed towards others is an exhibit of how we feel about ourselves. WOW!!!!

This love form is not the unhealthy vanity and self obsession that is focused on personal fame, gain and fortune, as is the case with narcissism. Rather, it is the love that is the wind beneath our wings to freedom. Freedom from our flaws and short comings, it is the dawn of self compassion, and acceptance of our imperfect human state and struggles.

Self Love Self Compassion

We cannot share what we do not have. If we do not love ourselves we cannot allow anyone else to love and even reciprocate that love. The only way to be truly happy is to find unconditional love for ourselves. Only when we are safe and comforted within ourselves will we be truly ready to share and care for others.

The Storge Loving.....

King of  All Friendships 

I am the first of three kids, only girl so naturally most of my childhood friends were males. During puberty when most girls were blushing and experiencing crushes my experiences were nothing to nil. My butterflies did not come out of their cocoons till age 14, after I experienced my first crush. 

Storge (Store-gay) love has always been my first love, I love my brothers with all my heart and and I have a natural knack for gaining, platonic male friends. Simply expressed storge love is a love that doesn't need physical attraction, it is primarily to with kinship and familiarity just like modern male and female platonic engagemnets. 

If we look back at Obama's famous bro romance with Joe its symbolizes storge love. Remember Obama's good bye speech? It was so heart felt and emotional it gave the world goose bumps his words were kind and inspirational  towards their friendship. To me their love for each other was the epitome and most respected of storge love in a modern society where homosexuality is rampant. 

Storge is a slow developing, friendship-based love. People with this type of relationship enjoys participating in activities together. Unlike eros, storge results in long-term relationships in which sexual desires may not be the ultimate motive and if developed may not be very intense or passionate. 

With storge the longevity of our love is promised but the passion and heat that our flesh desires is not guaranteed. Within storge, pragmaic love or enduring love can exist, this is a form of love that the partner will live up to a certain predefined role in their pragmatic lovers mind. 

Being the youngsters in today's vocation of marriage, my husband and I look at the older folks in admiration for the number of years they celebrate and often pray to be like them. With the struggles of disagreement and unmet needs often our yes is not always enough to propel us through these situations but the nucleus of storge is the bond of friendship and it supports us when the other types of love may not be present. This bond often leaves the partners with reassurances that even though they may have differences, they may not be able to exist without each other. 

Swans Mate for Life 

Swans mate for life, and most times, as one dies, the other succumbs and follow suit. Swans form monogamous pair bonds, their loyalty to their mates is so storied that I feel like the image of two swans swimming with their necks entwined in the shape of a heart should be the universal symbol of love.  This long term, enduring type of love and commitment is something you and I can only pray to be blessed with for our families, friendship, relationships and marriages . With  out a doubt is can be achieved with faith love and lots of pixie dust.

Agape Loving ......

Supernatural Timeless Love 

Agape that word that is always aligned to love in our homilies at church. It can be openly described as the spiritual love, the love that transcends beyond anything earthly and into the supernatural. Its the love that can only be compared to the love of God.

This love is unconditional, its a choice we make to love another person whether they love us back or not. It means that you choose to love someone even if he/she is your enemy. Agape is not based on emotion and maybe contrary to our every emotion and idea of love, it is an act of will. It is not romantic love, its a brotherly love where you have a natural chemistry with another person. According to the Greeks agape is the most radical type of love.

This type of love is not the sentimental outpouring that we misconstrue as love in our society. Agape is not conditioned based type of love nor is it sex - obsessed rather its an unconditional love bigger than ourselves, filled with boundless compassion and infinite empathy. Its the purest kind of love that breaks us from the shackles of desires and expectations and fills us with a love that loves regardless of the flaws and shortcomings of others.

The catalyst of this love is the spirit and from my understanding its the greatest love of them all. It also the love that is needed for our greater good. Its the love to end all the ills of the world.  It is the gift to all relationships, families and marriages.

The World Needs Love. 

The Church has traditionally presented eros, the passionate expression of love often turned inward toward self, and agape, the expression of love turned outward toward concern for others, as opposing perspectives.   It was refreshing and somewhat surprising that Pope Benedict’s first encyclical, Deus Caritas Est, restores the connection between eros and agape. He went even further,  in stating that the eros can be positive, and that it is essential for both eros and agape with our marriages. Participating in Eucharist and becoming Eucharistic people challenges my husband and I to unite eros and agape through loving service within our to our marriage.

Eros Loving ......

Consummated in Searing Ecstasy 

Naturally the word eros automatically connects modern society to the word erotic. Out of all the Greek love types eros is probably the most familiar today as its easy to see the connection between the word erotic and eros and there are some similarities as well as a few difference.

Eros (AIR-ose,),the love is based on the physical, sensual intimacy between two lovers and as we were all taught and were burnt to learn, this love type is so sacred that it belongs in marriage. It is a love that possess and expresses sexual, romantic attraction, eros can be a multifaceted mixture of anger, sexual urge, joy and jealousy.

It is also an emotional love that remains out of our control for the most part. Eros blooms into a fiery passion of sexual love.  It is believed that the sexual love is a fusion of two spirits and bodies converging into a single entity for a limited time, it is when two become one.

Eros is also the name of the mythological Greek god of love, sexual desire, physical attraction, and physical love.

Greek God of Love 

For me, eros remains a universal mystical force that when gifted with, can consume your every emotion, it motivates the soul with desires that infuse the body. Its beautiful and safe within  the most sacred of all relationships, marriage and feels like the songs of Solomon. For husbands and wives it creates a spiritual bond that is irreversible and irresistible to each. The depth of all our desires fulfilled but is it sustained? Does it naturally fade, is it exhausting or are we complacent and lazy?

Maybe this is where the magic  of Agape love begins to rein.

Alternate Loving .......

To Love and be Loved 

One of our inner most desire is to love and to be loved. We were born out of love and created to love. As our journey began we were gifted with love from our mothers as she carried us for nine months in the womb and forever in her heart, we matured with the extended love of a mother, father, siblings, grand mothers, uncles and aunties that helped us bloom. At graduation we bid our high school crushes farewell and migrated to a universe of abundance love.

There are many paths in life and ultimately as an adult we have learnt that the longest path is the path to the heart. This journey is filled initially with fairy tale understanding and expectations that charts us from rainbows and butterflies to sometimes cloudy, dark lonely days. For me it felt like home when I surrendered, stocked up on my napkins and embraced the journey.

Notably, we all have loved blindly and our emotions ruled our wisdom and heart. We call it broadly love and the Greeks in their pursuit for self- understanding and wisdom created an analysis of the different varieties of love that we all can or relate to at some point in our lives.

Stay tuned for a Pixie Dust Series: Alternate Loving featuring the 7 Greek Love Types.

7 Greek Love Types